BUT before speaking further of a state which was only commencing, and the course of which bas been so long and trying, I must resume where I stopped; and understand, that all I shall hereafter tell was accompanied by the state of which I have just spoken. As my husband approached his end, his ailments were without relaxation. He no sooner escaped from one illness than he fell into another: gout, fever, gravel, succeeded each other incessantly. He suffered great pain with considerable patience. He offered it to you, my God, and made a good use of it. The anger he had against me increased, because they multiplied reports, and did nothing but embitter him. He was the more susceptible of these impressions as his ailments gave him the greater tendency to vexation. Even that maid who tormented me sometimes took compassion on me, and came to fetch me as soon as I had gone into my closet, saying, “Come to monsieur, in order that your mother-in-law may not speak any more against you.” I pretended to be ignorant of all, but he could not conceal from me his annoyance, nor even endure me. My mother- in-law at the same time no longer observed any measure, and all those who came to the house were witnesses of the continual rudeness to which I was subjected. What is surprising is that though I had the sentiments of which I have spoken, and the pains I have described and shall describe, I nevertheless suffered with much patience; but this did not appear to me, owing to the frightful revolt I felt within against all that was said to me, and as I sometimes broke out in hastiness, but seldom, I thought that this joined to the inward revolt was a crime.
My husband, some time before his death, had built a chapel in the country where we spent part of the summer. I had the advantage of hearing Mass every day, and communicating, but not daring to do it every day openly, the priest kept a wafer without their noticing it, and as soon as they had gone out, he gave me the Communion. The dedication of this little chapel was celebrated, and though I already was beginning to enter upon the state I have just described, as soon as the blessing was commenced, suddenly I felt myself seized within, and my seizure, which lasted more than five hours, the whole time of the ceremony, was that our Lord made a new consecration of me to himself. This chapel was only the figure of that one which our Lord made in me; but in a manner so powerful, so real, though very inward, that it seems to me I was for him a temple consecrated for time and for eternity. I said to you, “O my God, let this temple never be profaned”—speaking of both one and the other— “and let your praises be sung there for ever.” It seems you promised it to me, although everything was at once taken away, and there did not remain even a memory that could console me.
When I was at this country house, which was only a small pleasure house, before the chapel was built, I used to pray in the woods and in closets. As I greatly loved the cross, I caused crosses to be put up in many places, and these served me as a hermitage. How many times have you preserved me, O my God, from dangers and venomous beasts? Sometimes, without thinking of it, I knelt upon serpents, which were numerous, and they went off without doing me any harm. Have you not preserved me from a furious bull, though I had an antipathy for these animals, and they for me, so that among many persons they would seek me out and run at me? I continued without concern, and it seemed their fury fell before me. I was shut up alone in a little wood, where was this furious bull. Every one cried out to take care. He took to flight without doing me any harm. If I could count all your providences regarding me, one would be charmed at them; but they were so frequent and so continued that I can only wonder and be astonished. You were continually attentive to me, as if I had been the only object of your cares. This has been very marked, especially at the commencement, and until I fell into the state I have just mentioned, when your divine providence seemed to have abandoned me, and delivered me to your justice. At the present moment I have no repugnance to write my life. Is there anything, O my God, but a multitude of kindnesses on your part; and on mine, ingratitude, infidelity, paltriness? All therein is for you glorious, and there is nothing but cause of confusion for me; you there give without limit to one who has nothing to return to you. If there is apparent some fidelity and some patience, it is you alone who effect it. If you cease an instant to sustain, or if through an amorous feint you make semblance of leaving me to myself, I cease to be strong, to become weaker than any creature. O my Lord, if my paltriness shows what I am, your bounties show what you are and the extreme dependence I am in on you. I am wandering.
As I became pregnant of my daughter, and it was thought I should die, I was for some time spared a little; for I was so extraordinarily ill the doctors had given me over. After having passed twelve years and four months in the crosses of marriage, as great as could be—except poverty, which I have never experienced, at least, that of worldly goods, though I have much desired it—you withdrew me from them, O my God, in the manner I am about to tell, to give me heavier ones to bear, and of a nature such as I had never experienced; for if, Sir, you pay attention to the life you have ordered me to write, you will see my crosses have constantly been increasing up to the present, as I never emerge from one but to enter on another more severe. I will say beforehand that in the great troubles I was subjected to, and when I was told I was in mortal sin, I had not a person in the world to speak to. I would have wished to have had some one as witness of my conduct; but I had none, being without any support, either confessor, director, friend, or councillor. I had lost all; and after, my God, you had deprived me of all, one after the other, you yourself also withdrew. I remained without a creature, and for crown of desolation, without you, my God, who alone could sustain me in so strange a state.
My husband’s ailment became every day more obstinate, and he himself had a presentiment of death. His mind was made up for it, for the languishing life he led became every day more burdensome to him. To his other ailments was added a disgust for all kinds of nourishment, so great that he did not even take the things necessary for life. The little he took, there was no one but I had the courage to force on him. The doctors advised him to go to the country for change of air. The first few days he was there he appeared to be better, when suddenly he was seized by a colic and continued fever. I was well prepared for anything it might please Providence to ordain; for I saw some time back he could hardly live longer. His patience increased with his illness, and his illness was very crucifying for me; yet the good use he made of it softened all my troubles. I was extremely pained that my mother-in-law kept me away from his bedside as much as she could, and influenced him against me. I much feared he might die in this feeling, and it afflicted me extremely. I seized a moment, when my mother-in-law was not there, and approaching his bed, I knelt down and said to him, that if I had done anything which had displeased him, I asked his pardon. I begged him to believe it was not voluntarily. He appeared much touched, and as if he had recovered from a profound stupor, he said to me—what he had never said before— “It is I who ask your pardon. I did not deserve you.” From this time not only had he no longer a dislike to see me, but he gave me advice as to what I should do after his death, in order not to be dependent on the persons on whom I am at present. He was eight days very resigned and patient; although, owing to the gangrene which increased, they cut him up with a lancet. I sent to Paris to fetch the best surgeon, but he was dead when he arrived.
It would be impossible to die with more Christian dispositions or courage than he did, after having received all the Sacraments in an edifying manner. I was not there when he died, for he had made me withdraw, not through hostility, but through tenderness, and he was more than twenty hours unconscious at the last. I believe, O my God, that you delayed his death only for my sake, for he was entirely eaten up with gangrene, the entrails and stomach quite black, while he yet lived. You willed he should die on the eve of Magdalen’s Day, in order to make me see I must be wholly yours. Every year on the Magdalen’s Day I used to renew the contract I had made with you, my Lord, and I found myself free to renew it for good. I was at once enlightened that there was much mystery therein. It was the morning of the 21st of July, 1676, he died. The evening, when alone in my room in full daylight, I perceived a warm shade pass near me. The next day I went into my closet, where was the image of my dear and divine Spouse, Jesus Christ. I renewed my marriage, and I added to it a vow of chastity for a time, with a promise to make it perpetual if M. Bertot permitted me. After that a great interior joy seized me, which was the more novel to me as for a long time I had been in bitterness. It seemed to me our Lord wished to grant me some favour. Immediately I had a very great interior certainty that at the instant our Lord delivered my husband from purgatory. I have never since doubted it for a moment; although I have tried to be diffident. Some years after, Mother Granger appeared to me in a dream, and said to me: “Rest assured that our Lord, for the love he bears you, has delivered your husband from purgatory on the Magdalen’s Day. He, however, entered heaven on the day of St. James, the 25th, which was his fete.”This surprised me, but I have since learned that there are two kinds of purgatory, one where they suffer the pain of the senses, and the other where they suffer only the privation of God; that there are persons who pass through the latter without passing through the former, others who pass through the former and go afterwards into the latter. A great servant of God revealed after her death to many of her intimates that she was three days deprived of the vision of God without any pain of the senses.
As soon as I learned my husband had expired, I said to you, “O my God, you have broken my bonds. I will offer to you a sacrifice of praise.” After that I remained in a very great silence, exterior and interior; silence, however, dry and without support. I could neither weep nor speak. My mother-in-law said very beautiful things, at which everyone was edified, and they were scandalized at my silence, which was put down to want of resignation. A monk told me that everyone admired the beautiful behaviour of my mother-in-law; that as for me, they did not hear me say anything—that I must offer my loss to God. But it was impossible for me to say a single word, whatever effort I made. I was, besides, much prostrated, for although I had recently given birth to my daughter, I nevertheless watched my husband without leaving his room the twenty four nights he was ill. I was more than a year in recovering from the fatigue of that. The prostration of body and the prostration of my spirit, the dryness and stupidity I was in, made me unable to speak. I, however, for some moments was in admiration at your goodness, O my God, which had set me free exactly on the day I had taken you for Spouse. I saw that crosses would not be wanting to me since my mother-in-law had survived my husband; and I could not understand your conduct, O my God, which, while setting me free, had yet more strongly bound me by giving me two children immediately before the death of my husband. This surprised me extremely, my God, that you set me at liberty only by making me captive. I have since learned that you had by your wisdom provided for me a means of being afterwards the plaything of your providence, for had I had only my eldest son, I would have placed him at college, and myself become a nun at the Benedictines. I should thereby have withdrawn myself from your designs regarding me.
I wished to mark the esteem I had for my husband by giving him the most magnificent burial that ever took place in the neighbourhood, at my own expense. I also paid out of my own money the pious legacies he wished to make. My mother-in-law strongly opposed herself to everything I could do to secure my interests. I remained without any help; for my brother was very far from espousing my cause. I had no one from whom I could openly ask counsel. I knew nothing about business; but you, O my God, who, independently of my natural intellect, have always made me fit for all that it has pleased you, gave me so perfect an intelligence of it that I succeeded. I omitted nothing, and I was astonished that in these matters I knew all without having ever learned. I arranged all my papers and settled all my affairs without the help of anybody. My husband had a quantity of papers deposited with him. I made an exact inventory for each person with my own hand, and sent them to those to whom they belonged. This would have been very difficult for me, O my God, without your help, because, owing to the long time my husband had been ill, everything was in great disorder. This got me the reputation of a clever woman, as well as another affair which happened.
A great number of persons, who were mutually litigating for more than twenty years, applied to my husband to reconcile them. Although it was not the business of a gentleman, they entreated him because he had uprightness and a good intellect; so, as there were among those persons some he loved, he consented to it. There were twenty suits, the one against the other, and there were twenty-two persons who were litigating in this way, without anyone being able to end their differences, owing to new incidents that arose every day. My husband undertook to engage advocates to examine their papers, but he died without having done anything. After his death I sent to fetch them to give back their papers; but they would not receive them, and begged me to reconcile them and prevent their ruin. It appeared to me alike ridiculous and impossible that I should undertake so serious a business, and one so long in dispute. Yet, supported by your strength, O my God, I followed the movement you gave me to consent. I shut myself up for more than thirty days in my closet on this business, without leaving it save for Mass and meals. These worthy people all blindly signed their compromise without seeing it. They were so pleased therewith they could not help publishing it everywhere. It was you alone, O my God, who did these things, for since I have no longer had either wealth or business matters, I have not even understood them, and at present when I hear people talk of them it seems to me it is Arabic.
As soon as I was a widow my friends and people of the greatest distinction in the country came to advise me to separate at once from my mother-in-law; for, although I made no complaint of it, everyone knew her temper. I answered them I had no ground to complain of her, and that I counted on remaining with her if she would allow me. It was the view you from the first gave me, O my God, not to descend from the cross, as you yourself had not descended from it. For this reason I resolved not only not to leave my mother-in-law, but even not to get rid of the maid of whom I have spoken. At the time of your greatest rigours towards me, O my Love, you prevented me from relieving myself of the exterior crosses, which, far from diminishing on the death of my husband, increased, as I shall tell in its place, after having described the interior state of troubles that I had to sustain and pass. You will excuse, Sir, if there is so little order in what I write. It is impossible for me to do otherwise, since I have to speak of so many different things to which I cannot give attention, telling them as they offer themselves.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MADAME GUYON 